What is this blog about: Limerence is an intense infatuation often mistaken for love, marked by obsessive thoughts and a need for reciprocation. The blog explores how it differs from real love and offers tips to recognize and move past it for healthier relationships.
Key Points:
- Limerence Defined: Limerence is an intense, obsessive infatuation with someone, driven by the need for reciprocation, rather than mutual connection or shared goals.
- Limerence vs. Love: Unlike love, which is grounded in reality and involves compromise and commitment, limerence often idealizes the other person and focuses on fantasy rather than genuine connection.
- Breaking the Cycle: Therapy and mindfulness techniques, like grounding exercises, can help individuals recognize limerence, address its roots in unmet emotional needs, and build healthier relationships.
Limerence. It’s a word that might sound like it belongs on the SAT or in an old English novel, but it describes something many people experience without even realizing it. Recently, in a therapy session, a client mentioned the term, and I had to admit—I hadn’t heard of it before. After some research, I realized how much it connects to the dynamics of modern relationships.
How does Limerence differ from love, and what does it mean for those caught in its grip? Read on!
What Is Limerence?
Limerence is a stage of intense infatuation or romantic desire for someone. But it’s not just “liking” someone or having a crush. Limerence often involves obsessive or uncontrollable thoughts about the other person. It’s the kind of fixation where someone might idolize another, putting them on a pedestal as if they were a goddess—or perhaps a savior.
Unlike love, which is built on mutual attraction, compromise, and commitment, limerence centers on the person experiencing it. The driving force is not genuine connection but the overwhelming desire for reciprocation. If the other person doesn’t return their feelings, the person in limerence can spiral into anxiety or obsess over what went wrong.
Limerence vs. Love
It’s easy to confuse the two, but the distinctions are important. Here’s a breakdown:
Limerence involves:
- Obsessive analysis of interactions.
- Intrusive thoughts about the person.
- Idolization that may overlook real flaws.
- A desperate need for reciprocation.
Love, on the other hand, includes:
- Strong attraction grounded in reality.
- A willingness to compromise.
- Commitment and oneness with the other person.
- A focus on shared goals and values.
One way to think of limerence is as an intense spark that burns bright but fades quickly. When the idealization disappears and the person starts noticing real-world traits or conflicts—say, the relationship doesn’t align with their sexual arousal template, or there are personality mismatches—the infatuation often evaporates. That’s when someone might think, “Did I ever truly love them, or was it just limerence?”
Where Does Limerence Come From?
In therapy, I’ve noticed that limerence often stems from unmet needs in childhood. Let’s say a person comes from a family system that didn’t show affection. When someone in their adult life offered them attention or love, they latched on, creating a kind of pedestal effect. It wasn’t the person they were drawn to as much as the feeling of being seen and valued.
Over time, as other traits or realities of the relationship emerged, the pedestal crumbled, and with it, the limerence faded.
Breaking the Cycle of Limerence
So how does someone move past limerence? This is where understanding the thinking self versus the observing self becomes crucial.
The thinking self is where we engage with intrusive thoughts. Imagine someone going through a breakup—they might spiral, replaying old texts or obsessing over whether they were “good enough.”
The observing self, however, steps back. It acknowledges the thoughts without engaging with them. Techniques like visualizing intrusive thoughts as leaves floating down a stream or practicing grounding exercises (like the 5-4-3-2-1 method) can help retrain the brain to let these thoughts go.
The Bigger Picture
Limerence may feel overwhelming, but it’s a window into the deeper needs and desires we carry. Therapy offers a way to unpack those feelings, address the root causes, and build healthier, more fulfilling connections.
So, if you’re someone who’s ever felt consumed by infatuation or questioned why a relationship fizzled after such an intense start, it might not have been love—it could have been limerence. And recognizing the difference is the first step toward finding the real thing. If you need relationship help, reach out, that’s what I’m here for!
This blog was written by Chelsea Koutroulis, M.Ed., LPC-Associate, CST. Koutroulis is supervised by Megan Pollock, MS, LPC-S, CST.
