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Healing After Infidelity: Your partner had an affair. What now?
Discovering that your partner had an affair can be an incredibly painful and challenging experience. It can leave you feeling hurt, betrayed and uncertain about the future of your relationship. As a therapist, I have seen many couples struggle with this issue, and while there is no one-size-fits-all answer, there are some important things to consider if you find yourself in this situation and want to pursue healing after infidelity.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
While movies dealing with infidelity often deal with the romance of the people who are having the affair, the real life perspective of the one being betrayed is decidedly less sugar coated. It is devastating to learn that your spouse or partner cheated on you.
Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful can be a traumatic experience. It can shatter the trust and intimacy in a relationship, leaving you feeling isolated, confused and overwhelmed with emotions.
It’s important to let yourself feel the range of emotions, such as disbelief, anger, sadness, depression, anxiety or even a sense of failure or self-doubt. You may feel like your world has been turned upside down, and you are not sure what to do next. These feelings are all valid and normal, and they are a part of the healing process.
Take Time to Heal
The adage is that time heals all wounds. But people often want to put a timetable on that healing. Don’t do that.
It’s important to remember that healing is a process and not a destination. Everyone’s experience is different. It’s important to give yourself the time and space to heal at your own pace.
Rushing into any decisions or actions can be counterproductive and lead to more hurt in the long run. You may feel like you need to decide about the future of your relationship right away, but it’s important to process your emotions and make a decision when you are in a clear and stable state of mind. This will help you avoid making impulsive decisions that you may regret later.
Communicate with Your Partner
Communication is one of the most essential elements of a healthy relationship, and when it comes to dealing with the aftermath of an affair, it becomes even more important. It’s natural to want to shut your partner out after discovering their infidelity, but avoiding communication altogether can lead to further problems and complications in the relationship.
Be clear about how the affair has affected you and what you need from your partner to regain trust and move forward. This conversation will be emotional, and both of you will likely have different perspectives or reactions to the situation.
The communication is not just a one-time conversation. You and your partner will need to have multiple conversations to work through your feelings and discuss the steps you’ll need to take to move forward as a couple. Although it’s very hard, it is crucial to keep the lines of communication open and to strive for an atmosphere of honesty, trust, and mutual respect.
Consider Couples Therapy
Oftentimes, I find that a couple can’t just do it on their own. Couples therapy can be a helpful tool for couples who are struggling with the aftermath of an affair. First, a therapist can provide a neutral and safe space for both partners to communicate their feelings and concerns. This helps to facilitate the above mentioned communication.
Additionally, a therapist can help the couple work through their emotions and understand the underlying issues that contributed to the affair. Addressing those problems is the first step in working toward a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship.
The therapist is a guide of sorts to help the couple to navigate the complex emotions associated with an affair. It takes time and commitment but the work you put in will benefit you whatever the outcome.
Rebuilding Trust
Rebuilding trust is a multi-step process. The betrayed partner needs to work through his/her anger, hurt and betrayal, while the unfaithful partner may feel guilt, shame and regret.
After the unfaithful partner has taken responsibility for his/her actions and acknowledged the pain he/she caused, this individual needs to be willing to make amends. This includes being willing to answer questions about the affair and providing the betrayed partner with any information needed to heal. It also means being consistent, reliable and trustworthy in words and actions.
On the other hand, the partner who was betrayed may need to work on forgiving the partner, letting go of resentment, and finding ways to rebuild his/her own sense of self-worth and confidence. Rebuilding trust also requires a willingness to work together to create a new and healthier relationship.
This means setting clear boundaries and expectations, being committed to the relationship, and making an effort to nurture and strengthen the bond between partners. It may also involve working on issues such as communication, intimacy, and emotional connection.
Moving Forward with Healing after Infidelity
In many cases, couples are able to work through the aftermath of an affair and rebuild a stronger, more resilient relationship. However, it is important to remember that rebuilding a relationship after an affair is not always possible or desirable. In some cases, the hurt and betrayal may be too great to overcome, and it may be necessary to end the relationship.
This can be a painful and difficult decision, but it may be the best option for your own well-being and happiness in the long run. It is important to consider your own needs, values and goals when making this decision.
Ultimately, the decision to stay in the relationship or end it is a deeply personal one that should be based on careful reflection, honest communication and a commitment to your own well-being. Whatever you decide, know that healing from the pain of an affair is possible, and that you are not alone on this journey.
Oaks Counseling Associates can help.
Oaks Counseling Associates offers a safe and supportive environment as well as the guidance of qualified therapists to help with healing after infidelity. We are here to listen to you and to assist you in figuring out your best path forward. For more information, visit our website and request an appointment.
This blog was written by Jonathan Kolmetz, MBA, MS
