Every couple fights. But although conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, it doesn’t have to be something that tears either partner down. Believe it or not, if you do it right, a fight can be a way to build a stronger connection.
As a therapist, I work with couples on techniques to make fights productive, not destructive. Let’s look at some of them.
Practice Self-Reflection
It’s natural to be emotional in a fight. After all, you are angry. But before trying to hash it out with your partner, take a moment to understand exactly what you are feeling. Knowing why you’re upset helps you communicate your feelings more effectively.
Focus on One Issue at a Time
This is not the time for a laundry list of everything your partner has ever done wrong. Leave 2010 in 2010 and stick to discussing one topic at a time to maintain clarity and prevent the conversation from escalating.
Use “I” Statements:
There’s a way to express your feelings without resorting to blame. Learn to use “I” statements. This simple shift in language can create an atmosphere of understanding rather than defensiveness.
An example:
Non-“I” Statement (Blaming):
“You always arrive late, and it’s disrespectful. You don’t care about my time.”
“I” Statement (Expressing Feelings):
“I feel frustrated when there are repeated delays in our plans because it makes me feel like my time isn’t being valued. Can we figure out how to better manage our schedules better together?”
See the difference?
Avoid Toxic Patterns
Learn to recognize and break free from toxic patterns. Some of the MVPs of toxicity are name-calling and threats, defensiveness and gaslighting. Redirect your energy towards finding solutions instead.
Partner A: “If you don’t start pulling your weight, I’m done with this relationship!”
The redirect: “Can we talk about how we can manage household responsibilities together better? I’m overwhelmed.”
Active Listening and Turn-Taking
Actively listen to your partner’s perspective during a disagreement. Taking turns to talk ensures that both sides are heard, promoting fairness and understanding.
Some couples use a talking object, like a stress ball, that indicates whose turn it is to speak. Others have non-verbal signals or hand-raising cues. This helps prevent interruptions and ensures a good back and forth.
Steer Clear of Yelling or Stonewalling
When faced with a disagreement, it may be tempting to ratchet things up by raising your voice. This won’t help. As NAMI explains, “being frequently yelled at changes the mind, brain and body in a multitude of ways including increasing the activity of the amygdala (the emotional brain), increasing stress hormones in the blood stream, increasing muscular tension and more.”
Stonewalling, or shutting down, is equally unproductive. The silent treatment may leave the other partner feeling dismissed, unimportant, or anxious, further escalating tensions.
Embrace Time-Outs
Sometimes one of both parties might need to take a break and that’s OK. But agree on a specific time to revisit the conversation, one that will hopefully be more productive with some time away.
Find the Middle Ground
Understand that not every argument has a perfect solution. Aim for compromise. By meeting somewhere in the middle, couples can move forward without feeling like one person’s needs or concerns have been overlooked, which lays a foundation for continued growth in the relationship.
Encourage Open Communication
Create an environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment. Active listening – or maintaining eye contact, nodding, and providing verbal cues – is one way to keep your partner talking. Expressing empathy for their point of view is another.
View Conflicts as Opportunities for Growth
Can you try to see disagreements as opportunities for personal and relational growth? It’s true. When handled with respect and consideration, fights can lead to a deeper understanding. It’s not about winning or losing; it’s about building a stronger connection.
Relationships can be tough sometimes, and despite our best efforts, we can all use a little extra help. If that’s you, Oaks Counseling Associates is a resource. Relationships are a journey, and sometimes having a therapist along for the ride can make all the difference. I’d love to talk with you about yours.
For more information, visit https://oakscounselingassociates.com/ and request an appointment at your convenience.
This blog was written by Chelsea Koutroulis, M.Ed., LPC-Associate, CST-Candidate.
Koutroulis is supervised by Megan Pollock, MS, LPC-S, CST.
