As a therapist, I see some people who come in because their partner told them that there is something they need to fix about themselves to be better in a relationship. However, it’s rarely that straightforward. The problem often lies in the dynamics of the relationship itself. Rather than trying to shape your partner into an ideal image or conforming yourself to their expectations, what if you took a different approach?
Have you ever spent time thinking about who you want to be in your partnership? If not, there’s no time like the present.
1. What’s Your Ideal Relationship You?
Before thinking about what you want from your partner, think about what you want from yourself. Consider your values, what you want to achieve, and what makes you tick.
Take a good look at how you handle emotions and deal with conflicts. What are those things that feel most authentically you? Assuming those are things you like about yourself; those are the ideal aspects that you will want to carry forward into your relationship.
2. Communication: What’s Your Style?
Now, instead of worrying about what your partner should say or do, focus on how you want to express yourself. Be clear when you talk. Are you really listening or just nodding without paying attention? Be the one who starts open and honest conversations, making it a safe space for both of you to share your feelings.
3. Conflict? Bringing Your Best Self is Key
Knowing who you want to be helps you handle conflict with your partner better. It’s common for people to start blaming each other in a fight. Instead of going down that road, stop and consider just your role in the disagreement and the resolution.
Do you tend to criticize, withdraw, or avoid the issues? Bringing your best, most authentic self (hopefully leading with some level of empathy and understanding to a partner) is a sure way to make fights productive. If your partner doesn’t have the same attitude and desire to problem-solve as you, that’s something to think about too.
4. Boundaries: Where Do You Draw the Line?
Rather than fixating solely on your partner’s limits, take the time to identify and express your own. This involves recognizing what you’re comfortable with, what you need, and what is unacceptable for you in the relationship.
Clearly articulate your boundaries to your partner, explaining why they matter to you. At the same time, be open to understanding what their boundaries are. This can either set the stage for a healthy partnership where you both feel valued and secure, or it can highlight issues to take up in therapy. Or it might be a clear indicator of overall compatibility.
5. Growth: Yours and Theirs
When growth can happen in a relationship, the relationship gets better. Partners encourage each other’s self-discovery and efforts to improve. A win for one is a win for both. Remember, growth doesn’t always have to happen at the same pace.
Sometimes, however, despite good intentions, relationships reach a point where it’s no longer healthy to stay together. If you aren’t encouraged to show up the way you want to, why are you there? What once (sort of) worked is now revealed to be unhealthy, or even toxic. Ending a relationship is never simple, but it does create space for new beginnings and the chance to find a connection that better matches your values.
While it’s easy in relationships to get lost in what your partner should do, the real power lies in shaping who you are in the relationship. The questions you should ask yourself aren’t just fluff. Answering them and focusing on your growth contributes to a relationship – whether it’s this one or the next one – that can be amazing.
OCA Can Help
At Oaks Counseling Associates, we’re here to support you. Whether you want to enhance communication, set healthy boundaries, or cope with relationship challenges, I can work with you where you are today. Learn more about our services with a free 15-minute consultation.
This blog was written by Chelsea Koutroulis, M.Ed., LPC-Associate, CST-Candidate. Koutroulis is supervised by Megan Pollock, MS, LPC-S, CST.
