Each person enters a relationship as an individual, shaped by their unique histories and experiences. Yet, two often overlooked factors in sexual relationships are arousal templates and erotic intelligence.
Awareness of these two things can significantly influence the quality of sexual relationships. All the more reason to look at them in-depth and discover their roles in sexual intimacy and compatibility.
What is an Arousal Template?
Patrick Carnes, PhD, defined the arousal template as “the total constellation of thoughts, images, behaviors, sounds, smells, sights, fantasies and objects that arouse us sexually.”
It’s the foundation of our sexual desires and preferences, and it starts from childhood. These templates cover many factors – everything from preferred physical features to the behaviors that excite us.
As we age, our arousal templates change based on our experiences and any trauma we might face. These templates can show up in positive and negative ways. In positive expressions, our templates may lead us to good sexual connections. You don’t have to be identical, just compatible.
On the other hand, traumatic experiences – whether from childhood or later in life – can deeply imprint themselves, leading to dysfunctions and harmful behaviors. Individuals may develop unhealthy patterns of sexual behavior due to past abuse or neglect. These patterns might show up as compulsive sexual behaviors, addiction, or intimacy avoidance.
Society has a role to play as well. Media, cultural norms, and social expectations can all add to distorted perceptions of sexuality, leading people to look for fulfillment in ways that are disconnected from their authentic selves.
What is Erotic Intelligence?
Esther Perel, a Belgian-American therapist born in 1958, is famous for her work on relationships. In her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (2006), she talks about something called “erotic intelligence.”
It’s not just about being good at sex. It’s about understanding what you and your partner want, both emotionally and physically. It’s about knowing how to handle your feelings, communicate openly, and treat each other with kindness, even when it comes to sex. When you focus on improving your erotic intelligence, you’re setting yourself up for better connections and happier relationships, whether you’re in the bedroom or out of it.
If someone has low Erotic Intelligence (EI), they might find it hard to know what they really want and talk openly with their partner. This can cause misunderstandings and fights. They may struggle to navigate the complexities of sexual relationships, making fights worse and making them feel more distant emotionally. Plus, not being tuned in to their partner’s feelings can leave them feeling unhappy or like something’s missing in the relationship.
People with high Erotic Intelligence (EI) listen to what their partner wants and talk openly about what they want too. This grows trust and closeness between them. They’re also skilled at understanding and respecting their partner’s feelings, which makes the relationship feel good. High EI people can handle the challenges of sexual relationships, like power dynamics and consent.
Interplay Between Arousal Templates and Erotic Intelligence
Understanding how arousal templates and erotic intelligence influence people’s interactions in sexual relationships is important for figuring out if they’re a good match and if their relationship is going well.
Here’s how they work together:
- Arousal Templates Influence Erotic Intelligence: Understanding what gets you and your partner in the mood influences how well you handle sex and communicate about it. For instance, if you generally feel positive about what turns you on, you might find it easier to express that to your partner.
- Erotic Intelligence Shapes Arousal Templates: People with stronger erotic intelligence really get what they and their partners want. They’re good at sensing emotions and talking openly, which helps them handle sex in a way that makes both people happy. Being tuned in like this can also help shape what turns them on, as they actively seek experiences that match what they like and challenge any ideas about sex that society might push that don’t align with who they are.
- Mutual Understanding and Compatibility: When both partners are really tuned in to what they want sexually, they can talk openly about what turns them on, what they want, and what their limits are. But if there’s a mismatch, it can cause fights, and frustrations, and drives a wedge between partners.
- Addressing Trauma and Dysfunctions: Arousal templates shaped by traumatic experiences, such as abuse or neglect, can impact both arousal patterns and erotic intelligence. People might have a hard time knowing what they want or talking openly with their partners because of past trauma they haven’t dealt with.
Practical Strategies for Enhancing Sexual Intimacy
The good news is that there are ways to boost your EI. Open communication about desires and boundaries, active listening to understand each other’s needs, and a willingness to explore and experiment in the bedroom are some building blocks.
It’s an ongoing effort. You both have to put in the work, be patient, and really try to understand and make each other happy.
Recognizing how past experiences and society’s influences shape our sexual desires is a must as well, especially if past trauma or abuse is involved. A trained therapist can help you navigate the process in a safe, supportive atmosphere. When people recognize the positive and negative aspects of arousal templates, they can aim for satisfying – and real – sexual experiences. If you need help, reach out. Set up a 15-minute free consultation today.
This blog was written by Chelsea Koutroulis, M.Ed., LPC-Associate, CST. Koutroulis is supervised by Megan Pollock, MS, LPC-S, CST.
