When a marriage faces infidelity, it’s akin to a house catching fire. As a therapist, I often draw this analogy to help couples understand the stages of recovery and rebuilding their relationship. Just as in a house fire, the immediate response, the healing process, and the long-term maintenance all play an important role in ensuring the survival and strengthening of the bond.
Day One: Calling 911
The moment infidelity is discovered, it’s as if the house has burst into flames. Emotions are high, trust is shattered, and everything feels chaotic. Reaching out for help at this stage is like dialing 911. You need immediate intervention to prevent further destruction. This is the beginning of therapy.
The first sessions are intense, just like the efforts of firefighters putting out a blaze. These sessions might span several weeks as we look closer at the breach of trust and the underlying issues. We work through the raw pain, the betrayal, and the initial shock. But at this stage, all we’re doing is extinguishing the fire – addressing the immediate crisis and preventing further damage.
Stage Two: Healing the Hurt
Once the flames are out, the long, hard road of healing begins. This is comparable to assessing the damage after the fire has been extinguished. It’s a time for both partners to understand their pain and start expressing it in a way that the other can hear and comprehend. This stage can take up to a year or more.
During this time, couples learn vital skills like effective communication and active listening. These are not innate abilities but must be developed and practiced. Both partners are on their personal healing journeys, which run parallel to their joint efforts in repairing the relationship. It’s about creating a safe space where emotions can be shared without judgment, helping to grow empathy and understanding.
Stage Three: Rebuilding the House
After the initial year or so of healing, we move into the phase of rebuilding. Think of it as constructing a new house on the foundation of the old one. This process can take eighteen to twenty-four months, or even longer. It’s about laying down new, stronger bricks of trust and communication.
This new house is built with intentionality, so that it can grow and adapt over time. We incorporate flexible spaces for each partner’s needs, recognizing that both individuals must have room to grow and express themselves. The house isn’t just for the couple; it accommodates their individual spaces and shared experiences.
In the old house, perhaps one partner dominated certain areas, creating a disconnect. Now, with better communication skills, both partners contribute to and enjoy all aspects of the relationship. It’s about building with the understanding that needs and desires will evolve.
The Room for Repair
No house is complete without a room for repair – a designated space to mend conflicts. Disagreements and mistakes are inevitable in any relationship. The key is how we address and repair these conflicts. In therapy, we learn not only to have better conflicts but to repair them effectively. That way, no ember of resentment is left smoldering.
Because these embers, if left unchecked, can reignite and cause further damage. So after every conflict, we must emotionally snuff out any lingering feelings of hurt or anger. This prevents small issues from accumulating and causing another major crisis.
Maintenance: Daily, Not Just Occasional
The final piece is ongoing maintenance. The original house might have been neglected over time due to life’s demands – work, children, health issues. This deferred maintenance leads to vulnerabilities. In our new house, we build in regular maintenance routines.
While it may seem that weekly, monthly, and annual check-ins are sufficient, real connection and maintenance happen in the daily micro-interactions. These daily check-ins – whether it’s a long hug, a shared coffee, or extra snuggles in the morning – are crucial. They form the backbone of a healthy relationship, accounting for 90% of the connection and maintenance work.
These daily intimate connections, coupled with more structured weekly and monthly check-ins, create a strong framework for maintaining the relationship. The occasional high points like vacations and anniversary celebrations are valuable but should not be the sole focus. Daily, consistent effort is what keeps the relationship strong and resilient.
The Ongoing Journey
Rebuilding after infidelity is not a quick fix but a continuous journey. It’s about putting out the initial fire, healing the deep wounds, and constructing a new, stronger relationship that can withstand future challenges. Just like a house fire, with the right help and dedication, a marriage can actually be rebuilt to be even stronger than before. Regular maintenance, open communication, and a commitment to repair are the elements that will build a better house that stands the test of time.
If you are dealing with infidelity and need a safe place to work through the steps to bring about healing, Oaks Counseling Associates is here to help. Reach out for a 15-minute consultation today.
This blog was written by Jonathan Kolmetz. Kolmetz is supervised by Megan Pollock MS, LPC-S, CST., Lic# 18400
