Photo Courtesy: Vera Arsic and Pexels
When we think of the four horsemen, we may imagine the doomsday bringers found in movies or in the pages of books. However, I want to talk about a different type of apocalypse, the apocalypse of marriage when communication breaks down. In this scenario, the horsemen are unhealthy communication habits, closely tied to low sex drive.
According to psychologist John Gottman, these toxic communication styles are predictors that can increase the likelihood of divorce. They include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. When a relationship is experiencing low sex desire, the emergence of disaffection, romantic disengagement and emotional indifference often follow.
Conversations hijacked by the four horsemen can further reduce the desire for each other and increase disengagement. Below is a scenario of such a relationship and how the four horsemen can be seen in a couple’s interaction. The following scenario also reflects a lack of a shared narrative, which is important in coming together as a couple. When all these communication styles are at play, whether in the same moment or throughout the relationship, it can be a recipe for disaster.
Criticism
This is the first horseman in Gottman’s Apocalypse of Marriage. Criticism is exactly what it sounds like: criticizing the significant other in a way that attacks them. Loss of sex desire can often be a sensitive and triggering topic. When a relationship is affected by this, criticism can occur. For example, one spouse may point out that their partner’s behavior is a turnoff and is contributing to the strained relationship. This type of criticism is very painful and can become a significant issue for them in counseling.
On the other hand, the criticized spouse may return the criticism by saying the behavior should just be accepted and “to get over it.” This response indicates that the criticized spouse is feeling attacked and criticized, which can escalate the conflict.
To steer clear of this destructive pattern, the couple needs to learn how to communicate their concerns and needs in respectful and constructive ways. This means finding ways to express their feelings without attacking or blaming their partner.
Contempt
This is the second and most problematic horseman. Contempt involves name-calling, eye-rolling, mimicking, and other forms of body language to cause a feeling of worthlessness. In the criticism scenario presented above, contempt is displayed when the spouse said to “just get over it.” Now imagine that the tone and body language matched the statement, and you find contempt. This can cause the other spouse to feel as if the loss of sex desire is his/her problem alone and that there is something wrong with him/her, but not the other person.
Defensiveness
The third horseman is Defensiveness, which can be a response to criticism. It also entails deflecting blame onto the other spouse and playing the victim. In the scenario described above, one spouse clearly became defensive when the partner blamed his/her behavior as the reason behind the low sexual desire in the relationship.
Stonewalling
The fourth and last horseman is Stonewalling, where an individual withdraws and shuts down without addressing the issue. Lack of sex drive can become entwined with stonewalling very easily. For example, one spouse tries to initiate intimacy, but the other turns away or disengages from the situation. The other three horsemen often lead to stonewalling as a way of dealing with this situation instead of communicating openly and effectively.
To avoid the four horsemen and the Apocalypse of Marriage, it is crucial to approach the subject of low sexual desire in a positive and constructive manner that fosters open and honest communication between partners. Although addressing this sensitive topic can be challenging, it presents an opportunity for couples to strengthen their relationships and develop deeper emotional connections.
If you and your partner are experiencing communication difficulties, it can be helpful to seek professional counseling to address the underlying issues. Oaks Counseling Associates offers a safe and supportive environment as well as the guidance of qualified therapists. For more information, visit https://oakscounselingassociates.com/ and request an appointment at your convenience.
This blog post was written by Chelsea Koutroulis, M.Ed., LPC-Associate, CST
Koutroulis is supervised by Megan Pollock, MS, LPC-S, CST.
