Sexual shame and guilt have a strong impact on how we feel about ourselves and our relationships. These complicated emotions are often influenced by our culture and the expectations society has for men and women.
As a therapist, I have witnessed how shame and guilt affect our desire for sex. I have also supported many clients overcome those challenges. Let’s talk more about how shame and guilt work their way into our sex lives and how you can break free.
Why Do We Feel Sexual Shame and Guilt?
The way our culture sees and talks about sex shapes our own beliefs and experiences. Sex outside of marriage and for purposes of procreation have historically been seen as sinful or taboo.
There are many communities in the world that still enforce strict rules about sexual behavior. Breaking them can result in excommunication from their community, separation from their family, and potential death. Many religious teachings have specific guidelines for how we should behave sexually, like abstaining from sex before marriage or only being attracted to the opposite gender.
Whether the punishment is overt, or more ingrained in a person’s psyche, there is a resulting shame and guilt.
There’s also a conflict in the US between the concept of sex as it is expressed in our culture and how intimate and private the individual sex act is. People see sex as something private and also something that’s not really private at all.
Sex is everywhere in the culture, but we also have a conservative attitude towards it. We don’t talk about it well. This lack of conversation can make us feel alone, confused, and burdened by our own sexual thoughts and desires.
Different Expectations for Men and Women
Then, there’s the double standard for men and women. In some communities, virginity is highly valued among women. If a woman loses their virginity, she may be seen as losing her honor or worth. The ingrained belief leads to feelings of shame, especially for women who engage in sex before marriage or have multiple partners.
The gender norms are different for boys who are often encouraged to explore their heterosexual desires and embrace their sexuality. They are taught it’s OK to have sex for fun and pleasure and to embrace what it is to be masculine. They are socially rewarded for their sexual prowess.
Girls, conversely, are often taught to suppress their desires. They face harsher consequences or judgment if they express their sexuality. There is such complexity these days in how women are expected to present themselves. They must wear a bikini but then be demure. It can be really confusing for a young teenage girl, or a grown woman.
It’s important to note that these gender expectations may differ by family. Boys may also be encouraged to repress their desires, especially if they are not heterosexual. Society and family reinforce the gender norms which have long-lasting effects on individuals.
How Does Sexual Shame Affect Our Desire for Sex?
It is no surprise that our sex lives can result in confusion and disorder. Some people might engage in risky behaviors to rebel against societal norms or seek validation, like having casual encounters or multiple partners. This can lead to emotional distress and reinforce the cycle of shame.
Conversely, others experience a decreased sex drive because they feel anxious or afraid of embracing their desires due to the associated shame. The consequences are difficulty with arousal and problems with intimacy and relationships.
Stress and anxiety associated with sexuality can cause physical tension, muscle tightness, and even chronic pain. Men experience sexual dysfunctions like problems with getting or maintaining an erection and premature ejaculation. Both sexes may not be able to reach orgasm. These physical issues can worsen feelings of inadequacy, shame, and distress in intimate situations.
Societal expectations around sexuality can also affect how we feel about our bodies and ourselves. Unrealistic beauty standards and the idea that self-worth is tied to physical appearance often lead to dissatisfaction.
While this discontent is generally associated with women and their social media use, internet apps and filters are increasingly influencing both men and women. And not in a good way.
Feeling ashamed of our bodies makes it difficult to feel comfortable and confident in sexual encounters, which further hinders sexual experiences and overall well-being.
The Healing Power of Therapy
Therapy can help individuals overcome sexual shame and guilt in a safe and supportive environment. Here’s how it makes a difference:
Self-Exploration and Unlearning: In therapy, you have the chance to challenge the beliefs and expectations about sex that you have grown up with. A therapist can help you understand your values and desires and learn to accept and love yourself.
Communication and Relationship Building: Therapists can teach you how to communicate better and build healthier relationships. By addressing sexual shame and guilt in therapy, you gain the skills to have open and honest conversations with your partner, which leads to better understanding, trust, and closeness.
Cognitive-Behavioral Techniques: Therapists may use techniques to help you reframe negative thoughts and beliefs about sex. This process involves questioning irrational beliefs, developing healthier attitudes toward sex, and having a positive view of yourself.
Trauma Healing: If your sexual shame and guilt come from traumatic experiences, therapy can provide a healing space to address and process those experiences. With a skilled therapist’s guidance, you can work through your emotions, learn coping strategies, and regain a sense of your own value and self-worth.
The therapists at Oaks Counseling Associates are committed to helping clients unlearn harmful beliefs, improve communication and relationships, and break free from the things that are holding them back. If you are looking for help, we’d love to talk to you. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help or request a private appointment.
This blog was written by Jonathan Kolmetz. Kolmetz is supervised by Megan Pollock MS, LPC-S, CST., Lic# 18400
