Want to know what tops the list of sexual issues? Mismatched sex drives. As a therapist, I’ve had countless conversations about sex. It is one of my favorite things to tackle in couple’s therapy. Along with money and family problems, it is one of the primary issues that brings couples into counseling. So don’t be shy if your sex drive is different from your spouse’s or partner’s. I’ve probably heard it before.
Discussions about differences in sex drive is complicated because we do not have the communication skills necessary to navigate them effectively. Sex is such an intimate subject that any level of discussion can be very vulnerable and scary. Individuals often feel embarrassed or ashamed to talk about sex in terms of pleasure and many are unaware of what exactly makes them feel good. What exactly makes a person feel good is more complicated than you think – just ask a person who can perform perfectly in a solo session but struggles once a partner is involved.
The root of the issue is that we have not normalized communication around sexual intimacy, so people perceive any communication about sex to be negative. The first step is working with your partner or with someone that has specialized skills to help understand and articulate your feelings and preferences in a safe and meaningful way.
Couples typically think they are a mismatch in one of three ways: desired frequency, intensity, or duration of sexual activity. While everyone is not on the same page all the time, with some work, you can get more in sync and improve your relationship and your sex life!
How women and men think about sex
When it comes to sex, our desires are influenced by a variety of factors, including biology, psychology, and the previous experiences we have had. While it is true that women often emphasize emotional connection and mental stimulation in their sexual experience, it is not a hard and fast rule that applies to all women.
The stereotype for men is that they are solely focused on physical and visual sensations and disregard any emotional connection. But really, it is some combination of all three.
When I sit down with a couple for the first time who reports sexual dissatisfaction or dysfunction, I make no assumptions based on gender. Today, we generally accept that we are all unique human beings. As an offshoot of that, we need to do a better job of recognizing our unique sexual drives and preferences.
When you understand that there is no right or wrong when it comes to sexual intimacy and what makes you feel good, you will begin to stop judging yourself and feeling ashamed.
Often, it is the shame that leads to performance issues. What I find in my work supporting men with erectile disfunction is that the issue is not a lack of physical desire for their partner, but rather some kind of internal belief that is stopping them from being able to physically perform.
Changing your thinking – and your communication – can improve your sex life for the better.
Life happens!
The sex drive divide is further impacted by external factors. Every day, we are fighting the good fight called life. And the energy to overcome the sexual mismatch becomes too big to conquer compared to a child that is not thriving in school, a job and income loss, a loved one with a cancer diagnosis or a parent who dies.
There are often very good reasons that we start to prioritize other things over taking the time to connect mentally and emotionally through sex.
Often these life blows don’t hit each partner equally. Childbirth for example impacts the mother more. Sleepless nights, sore bodies, and sheer exhaustion can put a real damper on female desire.
I counsel men to understand that physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually, a partner is going to be unavailable for up to six months. And that’s assuming there are no medical or mental health complications for either the child or the mother.
There are also hormonal changes that tip the scale either way. What I am seeing today in middle-aged heterosexual couples is women often have a higher sexual desire than their male partners. Often this is a flip from the decades prior and adds another level of complexity to the dysfunction. Women after 40 tend to know themselves more and are more comfortable with their bodies. A frequent scenario I see is the kids are out of the house, freeing up more mental and physical space, and it is the man whose testosterone is waning and struggling to keep up (pun intended). Thankfully, there are drugs for that!
In these seasons, it is important for partners to understand and be supportive… to give grace and space when needed. Seasons change and we all change with them.
Use it or lose it.
Here’s the thing: when partners have a serious mismatch and start to have less sex, it creates a cycle of avoidance. That disconnection and avoidance can further diminish their desire for sex. It is a vicious cycle. However, no matter what else is going on, there is no unlimited free pass to avoid sex with your partner.
The solution is both simple and difficult to do. Talk to your partner about your desires, concerns, and expectations. Share what you both need to feel satisfied and find a common ground that works for both of you.
Therapist tip! Don’t catalog your unmet needs immediately after having sex. Remember: humor can be a powerful tool in these conversations. Laughter can lighten the mood and create a safe space for discussing sensitive topics.
With sex, compromise is not a dirty word either. Find a balance that satisfies both of you. It might involve scheduling time to be intimate when you are both in the mood, or it could mean exploring other ways to sexually connect. Be willing to meet each other halfway and get creative with your solutions.
The truth is most sexual activity after the honeymoon phase will be routine and will not resemble scenes in romance novels or pornography. Most successful marriages have a combination of sexual rituals they rotate through given the time, place, and other ongoing life events.
If you are thinking to yourself, I only have one or two sexual rituals – make an appointment now – you are leaving tons of fun, pleasure, and emotional connection on the table.
When you can’t fix it alone
In many cases, the differences in sex drive are noticeable but manageable. For mature relationships, the mental and emotional connection from sexual intimacy becomes equally as important as the activity itself. Yes, even for men.
Sometimes there can be serious underlying issues that can affect a couple’s sexual life. When trauma, along with its shame, and or guilt enters the picture, true intimacy is difficult. That is where therapy can be a game-changer. Seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness; it is a courageous step toward healing and revitalizing your sexual connection.
A skilled therapist can guide you and your partner through discussions about trauma, past experiences, or any emotional issues that may be impacting your sex life. By addressing these underlying issues, you can begin to rebuild trust, intimacy, and desire within your relationship.
For couples who need help, Oaks Counseling Associates is here to support you. Together, we can navigate the complexities, break free from negative cycles of avoidance, and build a better bond between you and your partner. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help or request a private appointment.
This blog was written by Jonathan Kolmetz, MBA, MS
Kolmetz is supervised by Megan Pollock MS, LPC-S, CST., Lic# 18400
