You Dated a Narcissist?

What narcissism really is and how to spot if you’ve been a victim

So you dated a narcissist? If I had a dollar for every time I heard, read, or had one of my friends or clients mention the word narcissist to me, I would probably be able to retire very early and vacation somewhere very nice. It seems this word has moved its way from the inner workings of our tool for clinical diagnosing, the trusty DSM-V-TR, and into the language of the everyday person.

The Rise of Narcissism in Mainstream Culture

Someone asked me recently: “Hey, what does love bombing mean?” So, I wanted to write about narcissism in the hope of creating clarity about what this word really means. Also, hopefully, I can empower anyone who has been a victim to this type of abuse to spot it, validate it, and start to heal from it.

I’ve often found that the bigger a concept gets in mainstream culture, the greater likelihood that the concept loses its true value and, consequently, the less accurate education a person has about what the concept really is. So, I also hope to provide some groundedness to this conversation and help us, as a collective, to better understand this concept and use the terminology more appropriately.

What is Narcissism?

To start, let’s explore where this term, now fully adapted in mainstream culture, comes from. We can’t talk about narcissism without first understanding that this term derives from a diagnosis in the DSM-V-TR known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Some things to know about Personality Disorders, they are viewed as affecting our entire personality. They have a deep influence on the core of who we are as humans and extend to how we interact with the world, relationships, and even employers.

Typically, personality disorders stick with us throughout our lifetime. They remain pretty stable and pervasive. They also aren’t typically managed with medication alone (which sets them apart from diagnoses like depression, anxiety, and ADHD). This doesn’t mean medication and therapy are a wash. Both can certainly help someone diagnosed with a personality disorder. But, the journey toward healing is often non-linear and does require a certain amount of buy in (and honesty) on the client’s end.

Symptoms and Characteristics of Narcissism

Now that we got that out of the way – let’s talk about some symptoms and characteristics. First, according to the DSM-V-TR, 50-75% of those diagnosed with NPD are males.

I do believe, from my own experience as a clinician, that this statistic may not paint the whole picture. I have often witnessed that the practice of psychiatry lends itself to feeling more comfortable with diagnosing a male with NPD than a female. The DSM-VR-T also still uses very gendered language, so take that into consideration as well. But, the stats are there, and I want you to know they exist. Take it as you may.

Second, research indicates that only 1-15% of the U.S. population is currently diagnosed with NPD. Now I know what you’re thinking. “Does a narcissist, someone who doesn’t believe anything is wrong with them, ever go to a doctor or a therapist?” The answer for many mental health conditions, not just NPD, is surely no. So again, take that statistic for what it is. I do think it’s important to remember this statistic the next time we want to label anyone with narcissistic traits.

Characteristics to Consider:

Narcissists typically…

• Have a grandiose sense of self-importance.
  • This may look like them exaggerating their achievements and feeling disrespected when they are not recognized for something.
• Have exaggerated fantasies about success, love and power.
• Believe that they are unique and special and, therefore, belong among those who are also unique and special.
  • This may look like them always expressing being misunderstood.
• Require excessive admiration and adoration.
• Have a sense of entitlement. They often feel owed by society.
• Tend to try and control others for their own personal gain.
• Lack empathy. They are unable and unwilling to understand the perspective of others.
• Are jealous of the success of others and also believe that others are envious of them.
• Have a general arrogance about them as they interact with the world.

More things to consider:

• The requirement from the DSM-V-TR for diagnosis is that these characteristics present in a pervasive manner, meaning a narcissist would show up this way not just in romantic relationships alone.
• In order to receive a diagnosis, you have to meet at least five of the criteria.
• Just because someone presents with traits of a personality disorder (NPD included) does not mean that they meet full criteria for a diagnosis.
• A gentle reminder: the only folks that should be providing a psychiatric diagnosis are psychiatrists. Our modern medical system certainly has its flaws, but clinicians are uniquely trained to diagnose personality disorders.

Why Do People Become Narcissists?

If you’re like me, you’re a “why” person, meaning I can read that list of characteristics and think “Okay, but how did someone become a narcissist? Why is that?”

I’m here to help! The most widely held understanding of why someone becomes a narcissist really has to do with their development of self-concept and self-esteem. Many folks believe that narcissists breed other narcissists, which makes sense. Our earliest understanding of ourselves and the world around us comes from our primary caregivers.

So, a narcissist may have had a parent who also struggled with these issues, which would inherently lend itself to a high likelihood of emotional neglect. This would certainly explain the lack of empathy as this is often learned from our parents mirroring it to us. The general belief is that someone who struggles with narcissistic traits is, actually (take a deep breath here), quite insecure and has quite a poor and self-loathing relationship with themselves.

Their sense of grandiosity, arrogance, self-aggrandizement and deep need for approval from others comes from a deeply held sense of inadequacy. I think of this deep sense of inadequacy as a wound. It’s a wound that is easily triggered and requires constant tending to in order to prevent chaos and violence. Now, this does not excuse a narcissist’s behavior. Hopefully it will give you some clarity about why they are who they are and, more importantly, help you understand that it was never your fault or never your problem to solve.

How Narcissists Show Up in Relationships

So, how can you know if you’ve been a victim to someone with these traits? Let’s discuss.

In their everyday lives, narcissists can present as someone very charming and very interested in you. They are often the life of the party and those who don’t know them closely would never believe that they show these characteristics in relationships. Narcissists are very adept at pursuing potential romantic partners and know how to spot partners who are already struggling with their self-esteem and self-concept.

I believe this is where the term love-bombing started to become associated with narcissism. Love-bombing is the idea that a new partner would dote on you with love, often saying things like “I’ve never met anyone like you,” “You’re the most perfect woman,” “I can already tell I am falling for you,” way too prematurely in a relationship. Then subsequently they withdraw love and affection and, oftentimes, end up ghosting you. Narcissists are very skilled at the beginning of relationships, which is why so many of us fall for them and don’t recognize the red flags until we are too deeply involved with them.

Narcissists will likely never apologize. Even when they do, the apology will often be deflected onto you with something like, “Well I’m sorry that you made me yell at you because you were the one being stupid.” Narcissists are highly reactive to any slight or hint of criticism and will take this as an opportunity to hurl insults at you. They will likely never apologize for their actions, stretching so far as to act loving and affectionate to win you back, only to blow up in a few days’ time over something equally as small. When you express any need or vulnerability to them, they will make it about themselves. When you find the courage to finally tell them they’ve hurt you, they will say things like, “How do you think it feels for me to hear that you’re hurt?”

Narcissists are very controlling. They will make attempts to control your time, energy, friendships and family relationships, money, and even career choices. They will do this in subtle and direct ways by either using overt abusive tactics (cutting off communication with others, pushing you to quit a job and stay home) or by more covert ways (by guilt-tripping you for spending money on anything they deem unworthy).

By their very nature, narcissists are hard-pressed to empathize so you will rarely see them trying to understand you. They will often use skills like gaslighting (denying your reality of events) to keep you under their control – wearing away at your own self-concept, beliefs, opinions, and feelings. So many of the clients I see recovering from this type of relationship start therapy with the sole purpose of asking if their feelings and thoughts are valid. They have lost all ability to trust themselves because the narcissist they’ve been dating has worn away any self-trust they once had.

A narcissist’s general belief around relationships with others is: “What purpose can you serve me?” If you are not serving that purpose, they will often use any means necessary to make sure you do. This can range from pervasive guilt-tripping and gaslighting to more nefarious means such as domestic violence and abuse.

Why Leaving an Abusive Relationship is Difficult

As we mention the word abuse, so many people who have never been in an abusive relationship will inevitably ask: “Why didn’t you just leave?” The answer to this question is deeply complex and nuanced and isn’t the question we should be asking. A more appropriate question to ask is “Why do we continue to make excuses for this type of behavior, making it so difficult for victims to leave and move on?”

If you or someone you know has been in this type of relationship, getting out is only the first step. The healing that will need to take place after moving on from this type of partner will take time, gentleness and support. This is where a therapist comes in! Sure, having family and friends to help you pick up the pieces and tend to your wounded parts is necessary. It’s also equally helpful to have someone in your corner who can help you better understand the way a narcissist operates in relationships as well as create a safe, nurturing space for you to begin to trust yourself again. I would also encourage you to allow yourself to start the process of forgiving yourself for letting someone treat you this way for so long.

One last thing, if you’ve dated one narcissist, you’ve probably dated many. Unfortunately, we will often find ourselves in the same types of relationships repeatedly (look for more on this in future blog posts) until we have the awareness of what we’ve discussed above. So, take these characteristics – both from the DSM-V-TR and the more nuanced ways a narcissist shows up in relationship as listed above – and hold them close.

The next time someone is wooing you, pay close attention to their behavior. How do they respond when you question or challenge them? How do they react when you set a boundary? The relationships they have with their friends and family members is another aspect to watch. Doing so will provide you with guidance when you start to venture into new relationships in the future.

Oaks Counseling Associates offers a safe and supportive environment as well as the guidance of qualified therapists. For more information, visit our website and request an appointment.

 

This blog post was written by Cady Parliman, MSW, Licensed Master Social Worker, EMDR Trained.
Parliman is supervised by Jennifer Slaughter, LCSW-s, EMDR Trained, SEP Lic# 37624.